STAYING IN CONTROL OF COMMUNICATION

In this posting I will discuss how we communicate with ourselves (the thoughts in your head) and how that affects communication with others (the response that you get)

The meaning of your communication is the response you get. While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other persons interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive.

ELEMENTS OF COMMUNICATION

Most people understand that communication is more than just words. It is also what how and when you say something as well as the words. Context is really important.

A phrase like This is a really good idea can be made into a firm statement if said with conviction and written with an explanation mark. Or it could be made into an unsure question if said with hesitance and a written with a question mark. Indeed, by changing the emphasis and tone it could also be sarcastic or depending on the situation funny.

Dr. Albert Mehrabian is known for his breakdown of human communication into 7 percent spoken words, 38 percent tone of voice, and 55 percent body language. While some disagree on those numbers, all agree nonverbal communication dominates verbal

We know that tone and body language have a great part to play. Indeed, often we forget the exact wording of something that was said but take the meaning from the kind, angry, sad or affectionate way it was said.

WORDS, EXPERIENCE AND MEANING

If you speak French and I do not then I may struggle with my understanding because we do not have a common language. If you were brought up in a tribe with different culture, values, experience and behaviours I may with my understanding because we do not have a common experience.

What we understand of the world, language and meaning is significantly a function of our family, friends, culture, education and experience and the more different these are the greater the challenge of real communication, beyond words, but actual meaning and feeling.

I may know the words to be imprisoned but if I have never experienced that I am unlikely to really appreciate the meaning and feeling if someone says they feel o fear being imprisoned.

LADDERS OF INFERENCE

Chris Argyris was an American who did a study of how human beings design their actions in difficult situations. He suggested that human actions are designed to achieve intended consequences and governed by a set of environment variables. The ladder of inference is a way of describing how you move from a piece of data (a comment made to you, or something that you have observed to happen), through a series of mental processes to a conclusion.

You start by selecting from the data, translate it into your own terms, explain it to yourself, and then draw conclusions. Its dangerous, because it all happens extremely quickly in your head, and you are probably unaware that you are only selecting some of the data. Nobody else sees your thought processes, or knows what stages you have gone through to reach your conclusions. All that they see is the action you take as a result.

For example

1) Jane arranges to meet Mary for coffee at 10.30am.
2) Mary is late and does not explain why. In fact, she doesn't seem to have noticed that shes late at all.
3) Jane decides that Mary simply couldn't be bothered to turn up on time, and that Mary values her own time more highly than Jane's.
4) Jane concludes that its not worth bothering to meet up in future, because Mary obviously doesn't want to see her.
5) When Mary suggests meeting the next week, Jane makes an excuse to avoid it.

At the end of this, all Mary sees is that Jane does not want to meet up again. She may have no idea why. There could be any number of reasons why Mary was late, and hasn't explained: a doctors appointment, perhaps, or it could be as simple as her watch being slow, so that she has no idea that she is late. Meanwhile, Jane has decided the friendship is not worth pursuing.

We can see a sequence of steps which form the Ladder of Inference

1) Reality and facts. This level identifies what is directly perceptible. ...
2) Selecting facts. From this level, the facts are selected based on convictions and prior experiences. 3) Interpreting facts. ...
4) Assumptions. ...
5) Conclusions. ...
6) Beliefs. ...
7) Actions.

The challenge is that all these steps are based on thoughts in your head and not necessarily the full story. Perhaps before making a concussion or decision you might consider the following.

1) Why have I chosen this course of action? Are there other actions I should have considered?
2) What belief lead to that action? Was it well-founded?
3) Why did I draw that conclusion? Is the conclusion sound?
4) What am I assuming, and why? Are my assumptions valid?
5) What data have I chosen to use and why? Have I selected data rigorously?
6) What are the real facts that I should be using? Are there other facts I should consider?

THE ROLE WE TAKE WHEN WE COMMUNICATE

The role we take and the role we expect others to take also affects communication

Transactional analysis is based on the idea that one's behaviour and social relationships reflect an interchange between parental (critical and nurturing), adult (rational), and childlike (intuitive and dependent) aspects of personality established early in life.

If you take a parental style approach to communication it may have very different result on the outcome depending upon whether the other person makes a parental, adult or childlike response.

There is nothing wrong with being in a parent, adult or child role. All are valued. A teacher, driving instructor, boss or surgeon might take parent style role when talking with a student, learner, junior or patient. They may take an adult style when talking with a perceived equal or indeed a child style if reporting to their education board, governing body or similar.

The challenges erupt if there is a mis-match. For example, you take a Parent to Child type approach to talking with your teenager and they expect you to take an Adult to Adult type approach respecting them as an equal. Or perhaps you have been in teaching mode all day and come home to your partner to be told dont talk to be as if I am one of your pupils.

Eric Berne presented transactional analysis to the world as a phenomenological approach and noted that unhealthy childhood experiences can lead to these being pathologically fixated in the Child and Parent ego states, bringing discomfort to an individual and/or others in a variety of forms, including many types of mental illness.

Berne suggested that there are four life positions that a person can hold, and holding a particular psychological position has profound implications for how an individual operationalizes his or her life. The positions are stated as:

1) I'm OK and you are OK. This is the healthiest position about life and it means that I feel good about myself and that I feel good about others and their competence.
2) I'm OK and you are not OK. In this position I feel good about myself but I see others as damaged or less than and it is usually not healthy.
3) I'm not OK and you are OK. In this position the person sees him/herself as the weak partner in relationships as the others in life are definitely better than the self. The person who holds this position will unconsciously accept abuse as OK.
4) I'm not OK and you are not OK. This is the worst position to be in as it means that I believe that I am in a terrible state and the rest of the world is as bad. Consequently, there is no hope for any ultimate supports.

We can try and review, reconcile or resolve these unhealthy childhood experiences which are the cause of the problem (a role for psychologists or psychiatrists) or simply take a consciously lead different approach which overcomes the problem and provides a better communication.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHATS HAPPENING AND WHICH APPROACH TO TAKE?

We can react (instinctive and without thought) or respond (with thought and control).

There is a huge difference between reacting and responding. A reaction is typically quick, without much thought, tense and aggressive. A response is thought out, calm and non-threatening. A reaction typically provokes more reactions perpetuating a long line of hatefulness with nothing accomplished.

The brain is wired to react to any threat, it is an instinct we are born with, resulting in the fight, flight or freeze response. We may also add to the list of real or perceived threats by learning and experience. Some of this may be healthy (cautionary) or unhelpful (like phobias)

It is hard to overcome instinct but with practice and control you can choose instead to respond in a calculated and controlled way to get a better outcome. We might take a deep breath, or count to ten, or tap our ring finger or draw deeply on a cigar. Any one of these things may help us pause, recalibrate and respond.

That response is better if it is based on fact (what you can observe about the outside world) than feeling (what you are thinking based on your past experience, prejudice and fears). The power of mindfulness and meditation is where it helps let go of unhelpful self-talk (the voice in your head) and actually focus on the here-and-now (being present in the moment)

The best way to do this is to focus your attention on the here-and-now, be attentive and utilise listening skills to build rapport and understanding.

Step 1 Face the speaker and maintain eye contact
Step 2 Be attentive, but relaxed
Step 3 Keep an open mind
Step 4 Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying
Step 5 Don't interrupt and don't impose your solutions
Step 6 Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions
Step 7 Ask questions only to ensure understanding
Step 8 Try to feel what the speaker is feeling
Step 9 Give the speaker regular feedback
Step 10 Pay attention to what isn't said to nonverbal cues

Directing your attention means that instead of reacting to internal thoughts and feelings you are responding to external factors in a way that creates better actions and outcomes because they are calibrated to the here-and-now rather than the unresolved past or a feared theoretical future.

RAPPORT BUILDS BETTER RELATIONSHIPS AND BETTER OUTCOMES

Most of us know someone who wanted to be liked so he tried hard, but it didn't work. In trying to be liked, he appeared needy and conspicuous. You can't force rapport but the tips below will help.

1 Shift Your Mindset to an I Am Worthy One
2 Ask Some Variation of Tell Me About Yourself
3 Look for Indicators of Shared Humanity
4 Identify One Thing You Can Appreciate About the Person with Whom You Are Conversing
5 Inquire About Family, Friends and Pets Only If Your Speaking Partners Introduce These Areas First
6 Research about the Person
7 Listen to Understand
8 Be the Person Who Tells the Truth
9 Be Open


USEFUL LINKS AND REFERENCES

Presuppositions of NLP
https://anlp.org/knowledge-base/presuppositions-of-nlp

Chris Argyris (July 16, 1923 November 16, 2013)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Argyris

Ladders of Inference
https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/ladder-of-inference.html

Ladders of Inference Actions
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_91.htm

Fight, flight or freeze response
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze

Transactional analysis
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Skills to build rapport and understanding
https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/#498909b38918

Rapport Tips
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-simple-steps-build-rapport-instantly.html

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.