LANGUAGE AND EXPERIENCE, MENUS AND MEALS

In this posting I will discuss a well-worn phrase The Map is not the Territory and explain as a similar simpler a menu is not the same as a meal.

WORDS AND MEANINGS

We use words to describe experiences of the past or anticipated in the future. But they are not the experience itself, just like a menu is not a meal and a map is not the territory.

One interesting concept is our ability to experience the future: to have an emotional response to something that has not happened and may never happen. This is the tragedy of fear and anxiety it consumes energy over nothing whereas the reality if experienced may be very different indeed possibly very positive.

Fear can be False Evidence Appearing Real (When our thoughts scare us. )

A comical statement illuminating this theme has been attributed to both Mark Twain and Winston Churchill: I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

SAME WORDS DIFFERENCE MEANINGS

Words can have different meanings in different contexts, and invoke different feelings on people depending on their experience, education, culture and upbringing.

A comical example is if someones response to How are you? is Im Fine the word has ambiguous meaning and can be interpreted as being positively OK, evasive or barely OK. Fine can mean Feeling Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.

Your idea and experience of happy, sad, hurt, loved, exhausted or energised may be very different from my idea and experience of the same things. You may love the great outdoors I may suffer from agoraphobia. I find running energising you may find it exhausting.

This phrase summarises different perspectives on the same thing: Obsessed is just a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.

If the same words mean different things to different people in different circumstances we can see that communication is often open to errors and misunderstanding. Is it any wonder that we substantially rely on something other than words for our communication. The belief is that 55 of communication is body language, 38 is the tone of voice, and 7 is the actual words spoken.

ENCODING AND DECODING

Encoding/decoding is the translation of a message that is easily understood. Encoding is the process of taking a thought in your head, attaching meaning to it, finding a word to describe that meaning and then going through the complex but instinctive process of saying that word.

When you decode a message, you extract the meaning of that message in ways that make sense to you.

Decoding has both verbal and non-verbal forms of communication: Decoding behavior without using words means observing body language and its associated emotions. For example, some body language signs for when someone is upset, angry, or stressed would be a use of excessive hand/arm movements, red in the face, crying, and even sometimes silence. Sometimes when someone is trying to get a message across to someone, the message can be interpreted differently from person to person. Decoding is all about the understanding of what someone already knows, based on the information given throughout the message being received. Whether there is a large audience or exchanging a message to one person, decoding is the process of obtaining, absorbing, understanding, and sometimes using the information that was given throughout a verbal or non-verbal message.

BREAKING THE ENIGMA

To avoid errors and misunderstanding we need to avoid interpreting what people say based on our own experience, education, culture and upbringing and try and understand what is being said from their perspective, with their values and beliefs, hopes and fears. If we can do that then people will feel listened to and heard and understood, which is essential to good communication.

In NLP we refer to two mental maps

First, the sensory based map which is the internal representation of what we see, hear, taste and smell moment to moment

Second, the linguistic representation of the sensory based map.

There are three potential problems

1. Distortion - The process of representing parts of the model differently than how they were originally represented e.g process to event (we cannot find the right words to express our thoughts)

2. Generalisation - The way a specific experience (or number of experiences) is mapped to represent the complete category of which it is a member (we were not specific about what we were referring to)

3. Deletion - Where portions of the mental map are omitted and do not appear in the verbal expression (we did not say what was on our mind)

EXAMPLES OF DISTORTIONS

Here are some excellent examples take from Michael Carroll (founder and course director of the NLP Academy and co-founder with John Grinder and Carmen Bostic St Clair of the International Trainers Academy of NLP)

MIND READING

Claiming to know the thoughts, feelings, intentions, meanings, motivations, or other internal processes of another person - with no basis in reasonable, logical grounds for interpretation or direct, sensory observation.

Examples
I know you dont like me?I know you are curiousI know you are sad?
There is an obvious distortion in the sentences above as the speaker has no evidence in deep structure for the statement. To challenge the coach asks the speaker to specify their evidence for the hallucination
Challenge: How do you know I am ...

LOST PERFORMATIVE

Value judgement where the performer of the judgement is not stated. The speaker expresses the statement as a generalisation true for the world. (Good/bad etc)

Examples
Its bad to be inconsistentIts rude to be loudIts good to be timely
The distortion, has no evidence, its frequently based on family or cultural filter. To break the distortion the NLP Practitioner asks the speaker to specify evidence for their statement
Challenge: According to whom? Who says so? How do you know?

CAUSE EFFECT PATTERN

The implication or direct claim that one thing causes, or is caused by, another when there is no well-formed logical support or demonstrable, sensory-based evidence to support a causal connection.

Examples
You make me sad?People talking at once causes me anxiety?
Cause effect can only exist in mechanical systems, there is no cause effect in biological system. There is nothing anyone or anything can do to affect your internal state, the distortion here is, its our response to the external stimuli, not the stimuli itself. The meta Model challenge is designed for the speaker to access resources and have a different response, and thus choice.
Challenge: How specifically does people talking at once cause you to choose anxiety ?Or offer a counter example

COMPLEX EQUIVALENCE PATTERN

Statements where complex situations, ideas, objects or their meanings are equated as synonymous.

Examples
You always yell at me means you dont like me. Hes a man, he is lucky
The statements above are highly distorted the speaker is creating meaning by linking two unrelated components. The meta model question is designed to break the equivalence and recover choice.
How specifically does my yelling mean I dont like you? Has someone ever yelled at someone you liked?

PRESUPPOSITIONS

Presuppositions are the linguistic equivalent of assumptions.To make sense of a sentence the listener and/or speaker accept the presuppositions/assumptions as being true. Presuppositions are the distorted assumptions inherent in natural language.

Examples
If My husband knew how much I suffered he wouldnt act that way
Presuppositions in the sentence
She suffers Her husband acts in some way Her husband does not know she suffers

You can use any Meta Model pattern to challenge the distortions that are present assumptions in language .
How do you choose to suffer? Recovers choice.How specifically is he acting? Specifies the verb.How do you know he doesnt know? Challenges the mind read


EXAMPLES OF GENERALISATIONS

When we have an unhappy experience or one we describe as bad, we are afraid that it will happen again. We come to believe that a single experience can represent an absolute truth. Generalisations of this kind are known in NLP as universal quantifiers and involve the use of words such as all, never, always, everyone and no-one.

Examples might be: It always rains in Devon All Yorkshiremen are rude Women always behave like that All men ever think about is sex Journalists are evil Politicians are all in it for themselves Americans think they know it all The British are stuck up.
More considered thinking would provide better alternatives, but these words eliminate better choices.

When they are analysed, it is clear that such generalisations are untrue, yet they can be the cause of great bitterness and division between individuals and in society generally.If you catch yourself speaking or thinking in this way, pause for a moment and think about it.

Question yourself in this way: Always? Never? Every? What stops you? What happens if you do? Imagine you could what then?Consider how you might be limiting the alternatives that are open to you. Think carefully about what is possible and what is impossible.

EXAMPLES OF DELETIONS

A simple deletion is one with missing or insufficient information:I have been travellingQuestions to ask: Where have you been travelling? When did you travel? How did you travel? Were you alone or with another or others?ListenQuestion to ask: To what?You are so goodQuestions to ask: At what? How do you know I am so good?I dont knowQuestions to ask: Dont know what? How do you know you dont know?I hurt my armQuestions to ask: Which arm? How did you hurt it?


DELETION AND LACK OF REFERENTIAL INDEX

She is not likedQuestions to ask: Who precisely is not liked? By whom is she not liked? How do you know she is not liked?They arrived lateQuestions to ask: Who arrived late? How late?

COMPARATIVE DELETIONS

It is important to state what is being compared. Advertisers are very good at comparative deletions.
He is better than I am Questions to ask: Who is better than you? How is he better than you? At what is he better than you?
 ABC washing powder is 50 better Question to ask: Better than what?
Z vacuum cleaner is more efficient Question to ask: More efficient than what?

UNSPECIFIED VERB

It is causing problems at work Questions to ask: What is? How specifically? What sort of problems? Whose work? How do you know?

NOMINALISATIONS

This occurs where a verb has been turned into a thing or an object so meaning is lost.I need more respect (You cannot pick up respect physically or put it in an envelope or a box. )
Questions to ask: From whom? How would you know if you had it? How do you know you dont have it already?

CONCLUSION

We would not want to analyse and challenge everything that is said in this way. Nonetheless If we can understand the specifics and meanings of what people say then they will feel listened to and heard and understood, which is essential to good communication.

USEFUL REFERENCES

An overview of the Meta Model and explanation of the five distortion categories
https://www.nlpacademy.co.uk/articles/view/An_overview_of_the_Meta_Model_and_explanation_of_the_5_distortion_categorie/

NLP Language Patterns
https://www.the-secret-of-mindpower-and-nlp.com/NLP-Language-Patterns-Deletion.html
https://www.the-secret-of-mindpower-and-nlp.com/NLP-Language-Patterns-Distortion.html

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.