CALIBRATING YOUR CONVERSATION TO THE BEST OUTCOME

In this posting I will discuss how we calibrate what we say to have the best possible outcome.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

In any conversation you are thinking conscious or unconscious the following

What is being said
How am I being treated
What is likely to happen next

This will affect how your respond and of course, rather like a tennis match that response will affect how the other person replies.

By paying very careful focused attention to what is being said and keeping any internal emotions (about past injustices or future fears) in control, you have the best opportunity to influence what happens next and the actions and outcomes you want to achieve.

PAYING ATTENTION

Paying attention to the following will help

The sound of what is being said: tone, pace, volume, pitch
The words that are being used: auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
The posture taken: relaxed learning back, excited leaning forward, standing, pacing
The pace: fast or slow, in short sentences or long sentences
The gestures: pointing thumping, stamping, shrugging

You need to look at all of these and observe what changes as the conversation progress.

Beware not to jump to conclusions, the factors above may be influenced by the heating, the weather, a draft or the air conditioning. Perhaps the previous events or future expectations will have an impact. Some gestures may simply be part of their character (if they are dramatic) of culture (if they are Mediterranean), so be careful with your assumptions.

What you are trying to do is understand what changes as a consequence of what you say and whether that change is positive (going towards your goal) or negative (in which case you need to change approach).

The whole experience is like a dance and there is no harmony or synchronicity if you are doing a tango and they are doing a jive. If you want to influence someone you need to meet them where they are now and bring them to where you want to be. It is rather like fishing, choose your approach and bait correctly and you will real them in.

DIFFERENT CUES

Different people respond in different ways. If in an exercise class you face the audience and say lift your left leg some people will listen to what you say and lift their left leg and some people will follow your action and mirror what you do and lift the right leg.

Any good teacher will tell you that each student takes in information differently.

There are:

Visual Learners: those that need to see pictures and graphs to visualize.
Auditory Learners: those who need to hear the information.
Kinesthetic Learners: those who need to engage in an activity in order to grasp a concept.
Cognitive: those who use mental processing (thinking to themselves) also known as auditory digital

Like teachers we need to tailor our approach (and choice of words) to match their preferred style if we really want to engage and persuade them.

Visually Seeing

  1. We look and see, we like to see things written down or watch a video to understand how something works
  2. We make pictures in our heads and remember memories more like movies or in pictures
  3. We value a pleasing aesthetic environment and clothing appearance counts
  4. Like charts, pictures and symbols (rather than just words) to illustrate a point
  5. Notice colours and shapes
  6. My remember things by seeing photographic style memory
  7. Watches a video or looks at the pictures in the instructions to figure out how something works
  8. Big picture orientated
  9. Will say I see
  10. We notice how people look and dress
  11. Speak quickly
  12. Get the picture?

Auditory Hearing

  1. We focus on what people say
  2. Notice tone of voice more and use that in understanding what you are saying
  3. We can remember entire conversations or easily repeat instructions
  4. Love music
  5. Love to speak and also listen
  6. Can be irritated by noise or sound (and for some when trying to concentrate background music can be distracting)
  7. May want someone to talk them through fixing a problem
  8. Will say I heard (even if they read it or saw it) or I hear you
  9. We notice how people speak and sound
  10. Speak at a medium pace
  11. How does that sound?

Kinaesthetic Touch And Feel

  1. We are sensory and notice textures, whether pleasant or unpleasant on our skin and will dress for comfort over style
  2. Need to do something to understand how it works (cant just read about it)
  3. We may need to move more frequently and are frequent doodlers or fiddlers when in meetings
  4. Will need to write information down (even when its been given to us already in a manual)
  5. My just fiddle with stuff til they figure out how to fix the problem
  6. Will touch others more
  7. Will say I feel or I know (as in having a gut instinct)
  8. We notice how people stand and move
  9. Speak more slowly with longer pauses
  10. Do you have a handle on that?

Cognitive Mental Processing (Also Known As Auditory Digital)

  1. We always want to know the reasons behind the why and how (and in fact cant remember information without these)
  2. Want reasons, not feelings to make decisions
  3. Analytical and anchored by facts and logic
  4. Will want to read the instructions to find out how something works
  5. Will say I understand
  6. Are not spontaneous as they like to think things through
  7. Detail orientated
  8. We talk to ourselves to help us understand
  9. We notice how logical people vs emotional people are (we may seem less emotional than others)
  10. Speak more deliberately

THERE ARE THEORIES ABOUT EYE MOVEMENTS (AVOID)

There are theories about how studying eye movements will help you understand how people think (but not what they think.)

The assumption is that peoples eye move when they are thinking as follows

Visual Constructed (VC), eyes move to the left-upper corner.
Visual Remembered (VR), eyes move to the right-upper corner. NLP Eye Accessing Cues
Audio Constructed (AC), eyes move horizontally to the left.
Audio Remembered (AR), eves move horizontally to the right.
Feelings (K) and body sensations, eyes move to the lower left.
Internal Dialogue (AD), eyes move to the lower right.

This however is complex and fraught with difficulty because staring at somebody's eyes may not tell you whether they are left handed or right handed and can be unsettling experience that is more likely to break rapport than create it.

DIFFERENT RESPONSES BASED ON PERSONALITY

At its most simple we can consider William Moulton Marstons DISC model and perhaps look at peoples personality profile (Dominance (D), Inducement (I), Submission (S), and Compliance (C)) and then examine their habits, feelings and strategies and how best to appeal to these people.

Dominance
Person places emphasis on accomplishing results, the bottom line, confidence
Behaviours - Sees the big picture - Can be blunt - Accepts challenges - Gets straight to the point

Influence
Person places emphasis on influencing or persuading others, openness, relationships Behaviours - Shows enthusiasm - Is optimistic - Likes to collaborate - Dislikes being ignored

Steadiness 
Person places emphasis on cooperation, sincerity, dependability
Behaviours - Doesn't like to be rushed - Calm manner - Calm approach - Supportive actions

Conscientiousness 
Person places emphasis on quality and accuracy, expertise, competency Behaviours - Enjoys independence - Objective reasoning - Wants the details - Fears being wrong


SAMENESS AND DIFFERENCE

Some people will look at any situation and compare how similar it is to something else

Other people will look at any situation and compare how different it is to something else

Be careful that you dont get into a disagreement about whether a glass if half-empty or half-full. You are agreeing about the volume of water in the glass, but seeing it from completely different perspectives.

Listen carefully to whether the other person is interested in sameness or difference and follow suit.

CHECKING AND CONFIRMING YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE RIGHT

There are so many elements to how we calibrate what we say to have the best possible outcome and you would struggle to do them all in real time, during a conversation. But with practice and focus you can build these skills.

What is vital is that you check for errors which put you off-course.

Part of the art of listening is making sure that the other person knows that they are being listened to. This is achieved by repeating back to the client parts of their story. This known as paraphrasing. Reflecting is showing the client that you haveheard not only what is being said, but also what feelings and emotions the client is experiencing when sharing their story with you.

There are many different ways you might reflect, paraphrase, summarise, read back, but it is important that you check you have correctly listened and understood. The easiest way is to just ask Can I check I have understood Or So you would like me to . Or So just for the record, you want to

If you have not the other person will clarify or repeat and it more likely to be pleased that you checked than upset that you did not fully understand what was said the first time.


USEFUL LINKS AND REFERENCES

The basics of auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
https://www.inc.com/molly-reynolds/how-to-spot-visual-auditory-and-kinesthetic-learni.html

Checklists of auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
https://insideoutstyleblog.com/2015/07/communication-styles-are-you-visual-auditory-cognitive-or-kinasthetic.html

NLP Eye Cues
https://www.mindtools.co.th/personal-development/neuro-linguistic-programming/nlp-eye-accessing-cues/

Why Important Meetings Need Summary Notes
https://integratedwork.com/blog/why-important-meetings-need-summary-notes

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.