INTENTION AND BEHAVIOUR

In this posting I will discuss the best of intentions and how behaviour needs to be understood from the perspective experience (of the past) and motivation (for the future)

We can because consciously by thoughtful decision, or unconsciously through learned habit (getting dressed or driving to work) or unconsciously through instinct (the fight, flight, freeze or fear response to crisis)

FIGHT-FLIGHT-FREEZE RESPONSE

The fight-flight-freeze response is your bodys natural reaction to danger. Its a type of stress response that helps you react to perceived threats, like an oncoming car or growling dog.

The response instantly causes hormonal and physiological changes. These changes allow you to act quickly so you can protect yourself. Its a survival instinct that our ancient ancestors developed many years ago.

Specifically, fight-or-flight is an active defence response where you fight or flee. Your heart rate gets faster, which increases oxygen flow to your major muscles. Your pain perception drops, and your hearing sharpens. These changes help you act appropriately and rapidly.

Freezing is fight-or-flight on hold, where you further prepare to protect yourself. Its also called reactive immobility or attentive immobility. It involves similar physiological changes, but instead, you stay completely still and get ready for the next move.

Fight-flight-freeze isnt a conscious decision. Its an automatic reaction, so you cant control it

The fight-flight-freeze response can show up in many life situations, including:

slamming on the brakes when the car in front of you suddenly stops
encountering a growling dog while walking outside
jumping out of the way of an oncoming vehicle
getting spooked by someone jumping out of a room
feeling unsafe while walking down a street

CONSCIOUSLY AND LEARNED RESPONSES

In the international bestseller, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman, the renowned psychologist and winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics, explains the two systems that drive the way we think. System 1 is fast, intuitive, and emotional (The fight-flight-freeze response) System 2 is slower, more deliberative, and more logical.

We do not however need to think through every experience as if it were our first-time getting dresses, driving or performing other routines. We can move from thoughtful learning to routine and habit which whilst not driven by fight-flight-freeze response nonetheless does by-pass the deliberative and more logical thinking.

This has some advantages: we can do things on auto-pilot and some dis advantages, we may not be giving our full attention to a situation or perhaps become overconfident and, for example, crash the car.

The impact of overconfidence on corporate strategies, the difficulties of predicting what will make us happy in the future, the profound effect of cognitive biases on everything from playing the stock market to planning our next vacation can be understood only by knowing how the two systems shape our judgments and decisions.

THE FOUR STAGES OF COMPETENCE

The four stages of competence, also known as the four stages of learning, is a model based on the premise that before a learning experience begins, learners are unaware of what or how much they know (unconscious incompetence), and as they learn, they move through four psychological states until they reach a stage of unconscious competence.

By understanding the model, trainers can better identify learning needs and develop learning objectives based on where their target audience is in the four stages related to a given topic.

1. Unconscious Incompetence
In unconscious incompetence, the learner isnt aware that a skill or knowledge gap exists.

2. Conscious Incompetence
In conscious incompetence, the learner is aware of a skill or knowledge gap and understands the importance of acquiring the new skill. Its in this stage that learning can begin.

3. Conscious Competence
In conscious competence, the learner knows how to use the skill or perform the task, but doing so requires practice, conscious thought and hard work.

4. Unconscious Competence
In unconscious competence, the individual has enough experience with the skill that he or she can perform it so easily they do it unconsciously.


This model helps us understand the emotional state of people. For example, a learner in unconscious incompetence will respond differently to training than a learner in conscious incompetence. If someone doesnt know theres a problem, he or she is less likely to engage in the solution. On the other hand, if someone is in conscious competence, he or she may just need additional practice rather than training.

THE EXPERIENCE WE HAVE AND THE ROLES WE PLAY

We may have different experiences in life with each role that we play: As a son or daughter, as a partner or lover as a parent or grandparent we accumulate different experiences and have different levels of expertise.

A senior manager with significant skills and experience, confidence and expertise may be at a complete loss when they become a parent for the first time. A strong athlete with a tough mindset may be floored by an illness.

The roles we create and fulfil and the experiences we accumulate and the habits we follow may not always best serve us in different context. In these circumstances our response although appropriate in one context is not in another and although well intended may not have the desired effect or outcome.

These role may exist as different parts of us all at the same time. Just as you can be a son, father and spouse all at the same time, you may well be a responsible boss, playful child, supportive parent and possibly many other roles. Some of these roles may be in conflict with each-other.

All these people need to get along within us like a happy family. The difference between functional and dysfunctional families are

Good boundaries does each person have their own space which is recognised and respected
Accepted roles does each person have an accepted role and does this fit with everyone elses roles and expectations
Good communication is each person able to communicate and feel valued and understood

We need to achieve these within the family unit but also within the inner-family of roles we have for ourselves. It is important that we can be childlike, adult and parental and move freely between these roles at the appropriate time.

To loose our inner child would be to loose some of the innocence and wonder we have for the world. But to let that inner child select our response or make critical decisions to complex problems may not be the right thing to do. The result, though well intended, may not be the best for the situation and have a bad impact and outcome.

BEHAVIOURS AND INTENTIONS

We can see that the roles we play, the experiences we have, the instincts and learned habits will all have an impact on our behaviours.

Examples

Situation: An unexpected phone call when we are tired
Intention: Get rid of the caller
Behaviour: Rude and abrupt on the phone

Situation: Feeling lonely or unloved or unworthy
Intention: Avoid rejection or a failed relationship
Behaviour: Cautious and defensive, ironically undermining a good relationship

Situation: Feeling anxious or threatened
Intention: Be defensive to repel attack
Behaviour: Aggressive, ironically making others uncomfortable and unagreeable

STOP AND REFRAME

To overcome the dysfunctional situation, intention behaviour patterns above we need to engage System 2 is slower, more deliberative, and more logical thinking and re-frame the situation based on the present moment rather than the thoughts and fears that are in our head.

Reframing is when an undesirable behaviour or trait is conferred a positive intention. Alternatives to satisfy the positive intent are found, followed by negotiations with (parts of) self to resolve conflict, check for ecology and to implement the new behaviour. Reframing can also be used to describe changing the context or representation of a problem.

The content or meaning of a situation is determined by what you choose to focus on. An electrical power failure can be viewed as disruptive, a major disaster given all you have to get done. Or it can be viewed as an opportunity to spend some intimate time with your spouse or to have fun with your children finding innovative ways to manage the situation.

Context framing is giving another meaning to a statement by changing the context you first found it in. You literally take the problem to another place where it doesnt mean the same thing anymore. A context reframe leaves the meaning of the behaviour the same and shows how the meaning will appear different when placed somewhere else.

A: I am too pushy.B: Content reframe: How can you use that on yourself to get more done in the day and not worry about anyone else! B: Context reframe: Compared to who, Hitler?

One word reframes

Spontaneous -> Unpredictable
Funny -> Childish
Confident -> Arrogant
Imaginative -> Undisciplined
Generous -> Spendthrift
Outgoing -> Exhibitionist

Reframing is about having a conversation with yourself and choosing a different response based on a new perspective or chosen perception.

BE THE DIRECTOR AND THE ACTOR FOR YOUR OWN LIFE

Sometimes things are best seen as a spectator from the crowd rather than a player on the pitch. You get a broader view of the situation, context and options. But it is actually the person on the pitch that has the control, makes the decisions and achieves the outcome.

We need to be on the pitch and in the crowd and switch between those two positions or roles sufficient for one to be able to help the other.

A similar analogy would be between a movie director and movie actor. Both are essential to the outcome for the scene, with the former giving directions to the latter and the actor offering feedback in a conversation that seeks to make the scene the best it can possibly be.

All this needs to happen in our head, and if it is not instinctive or practiced we need to plan ahead or slow down in order for the essential conversations to be had between Director and Actor (or Spectator and Player)


Here are the elements

Understanding The Scene
What is happening? What is the context?

The Actor / Player
This is my situation, how I see it, how I feel it, how I hear it.

The Director / Spectator
This is how I perceive it from my perspective at a distance

The Discussion
What is the intended outcome? What needs to happen or change to make that possible?

The Options
The Director/Spectator may come up with a number of options for the Actor / Player to try and the Actor / Player may identify which of these will be easiest and most authentic to themselves.

The Behaviour
The Actor / Player then performs with the benefit of more options and perspectives than if they had not paused for thought.

It may seem implausible to go thought that type of internal dialogue or appraisal, but is this rehash, reappraisal, reflection is actually part of what we do when we sleep, day-dream or meditate.

It takes real skill to do this in the present or in the moment and something that may be more easily be achieved with practice and rehearsal. Nonetheless if we understand intentions and can be resourceful about choices we can behaviour in a way that achieves the desired result and outcome without unintended consequences.


USEFUL REFERENCES

fight-flight-freeze response
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze

The Four Stages of Competence
https://trainingindustry.com/wiki/strategy-alignment-and-planning/the-four-stages-of-competence/

Reframing
https://www.nlpworld.co.uk/nlp-glossary/c/content-reframe/

Context framing
https://www.nlpworld.co.uk/nlp-glossary/c/context-reframe/

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.