CALIBRATING YOUR CONVERSATION TO THE BEST OUTCOME

In this posting I will discuss how we calibrate what we say to have the best possible outcome.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

In any conversation you are thinking conscious or unconscious the following

What is being said
How am I being treated
What is likely to happen next

This will affect how your respond and of course, rather like a tennis match that response will affect how the other person replies.

By paying very careful focused attention to what is being said and keeping any internal emotions (about past injustices or future fears) in control, you have the best opportunity to influence what happens next and the actions and outcomes you want to achieve.

PAYING ATTENTION

Paying attention to the following will help

The sound of what is being said: tone, pace, volume, pitch
The words that are being used: auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
The posture taken: relaxed learning back, excited leaning forward, standing, pacing
The pace: fast or slow, in short sentences or long sentences
The gestures: pointing thumping, stamping, shrugging

You need to look at all of these and observe what changes as the conversation progress.

Beware not to jump to conclusions, the factors above may be influenced by the heating, the weather, a draft or the air conditioning. Perhaps the previous events or future expectations will have an impact. Some gestures may simply be part of their character (if they are dramatic) of culture (if they are Mediterranean), so be careful with your assumptions.

What you are trying to do is understand what changes as a consequence of what you say and whether that change is positive (going towards your goal) or negative (in which case you need to change approach).

The whole experience is like a dance and there is no harmony or synchronicity if you are doing a tango and they are doing a jive. If you want to influence someone you need to meet them where they are now and bring them to where you want to be. It is rather like fishing, choose your approach and bait correctly and you will real them in.

DIFFERENT CUES

Different people respond in different ways. If in an exercise class you face the audience and say lift your left leg some people will listen to what you say and lift their left leg and some people will follow your action and mirror what you do and lift the right leg.

Any good teacher will tell you that each student takes in information differently.

There are:

Visual Learners: those that need to see pictures and graphs to visualize.
Auditory Learners: those who need to hear the information.
Kinesthetic Learners: those who need to engage in an activity in order to grasp a concept.
Cognitive: those who use mental processing (thinking to themselves) also known as auditory digital

Like teachers we need to tailor our approach (and choice of words) to match their preferred style if we really want to engage and persuade them.

Visually Seeing

1. We look and see, we like to see things written down or watch a video to understand how something works
2. We make pictures in our heads and remember memories more like movies or in pictures
3. We value a pleasing aesthetic environment and clothing appearance counts
4. Like charts, pictures and symbols (rather than just words) to illustrate a point
5. Notice colours and shapes
6. My remember things by seeing photographic style memory
7. Watches a video or looks at the pictures in the instructions to figure out how something works
8. Big picture orientated
9. Will say I see
10. We notice how people look and dress
11. Speak quickly
12. Get the picture?

Auditory Hearing

1. We focus on what people say
2. Notice tone of voice more and use that in understanding what you are saying
3. We can remember entire conversations or easily repeat instructions
4. Love music
5. Love to speak and also listen
6. Can be irritated by noise or sound (and for some when trying to concentrate background music can be distracting)
7. May want someone to talk them through fixing a problem
8. Will say I heard (even if they read it or saw it) or I hear you
9. We notice how people speak and sound
10. Speak at a medium pace
11. How does that sound?

Kinaesthetic Touch And Feel

1. We are sensory and notice textures, whether pleasant or unpleasant on our skin and will dress for comfort over style
2. Need to do something to understand how it works (cant just read about it)
3. We may need to move more frequently and are frequent doodlers or fiddlers when in meetings
4. Will need to write information down (even when its been given to us already in a manual)
5. My just fiddle with stuff til they figure out how to fix the problem
6. Will touch others more
7. Will say I feel or I know (as in having a gut instinct)
8. We notice how people stand and move
9. Speak more slowly with longer pauses
10. Do you have a handle on that?

Cognitive Mental Processing (Also Known As Auditory Digital)

1. We always want to know the reasons behind the why and how (and in fact cant remember information without these)
2. Want reasons, not feelings to make decisions
3. Analytical and anchored by facts and logic
4. Will want to read the instructions to find out how something works
5. Will say I understand
6. Are not spontaneous as they like to think things through
7. Detail orientated
8. We talk to ourselves to help us understand
9. We notice how logical people vs emotional people are (we may seem less emotional than others)
10. Speak more deliberately

THERE ARE THEORIES ABOUT EYE MOVEMENTS (AVOID)

There are theories about how studying eye movements will help you understand how people think (but not what they think.)

The assumption is that peoples eye move when they are thinking as follows

Visual Constructed (VC), eyes move to the left-upper corner.
Visual Remembered (VR), eyes move to the right-upper corner. NLP Eye Accessing Cues
Audio Constructed (AC), eyes move horizontally to the left.
Audio Remembered (AR), eves move horizontally to the right.
Feelings (K) and body sensations, eyes move to the lower left.
Internal Dialogue (AD), eyes move to the lower right.

This however is complex and fraught with difficulty because staring at somebody's eyes may not tell you whether they are left handed or right handed and can be unsettling experience that is more likely to break rapport than create it.

DIFFERENT RESPONSES BASED ON PERSONALITY

At its most simple we can consider William Moulton Marstons DISC model and perhaps look at peoples personality profile (Dominance (D), Inducement (I), Submission (S), and Compliance (C)) and then examine their habits, feelings and strategies and how best to appeal to these people.

Dominance
Person places emphasis on accomplishing results, the bottom line, confidence
Behaviours - Sees the big picture - Can be blunt - Accepts challenges - Gets straight to the point

Influence
Person places emphasis on influencing or persuading others, openness, relationships Behaviours - Shows enthusiasm - Is optimistic - Likes to collaborate - Dislikes being ignored

Steadiness 
Person places emphasis on cooperation, sincerity, dependability
Behaviours - Doesn't like to be rushed - Calm manner - Calm approach - Supportive actions

Conscientiousness 
Person places emphasis on quality and accuracy, expertise, competency Behaviours - Enjoys independence - Objective reasoning - Wants the details - Fears being wrong


SAMENESS AND DIFFERENCE

Some people will look at any situation and compare how similar it is to something else

Other people will look at any situation and compare how different it is to something else

Be careful that you dont get into a disagreement about whether a glass if half-empty or half-full. You are agreeing about the volume of water in the glass, but seeing it from completely different perspectives.

Listen carefully to whether the other person is interested in sameness or difference and follow suit.

CHECKING AND CONFIRMING YOUR ASSUMPTIONS ARE RIGHT

There are so many elements to how we calibrate what we say to have the best possible outcome and you would struggle to do them all in real time, during a conversation. But with practice and focus you can build these skills.

What is vital is that you check for errors which put you off-course.

Part of the art of listening is making sure that the other person knows that they are being listened to. This is achieved by repeating back to the client parts of their story. This known as paraphrasing. Reflecting is showing the client that you haveheard not only what is being said, but also what feelings and emotions the client is experiencing when sharing their story with you.

There are many different ways you might reflect, paraphrase, summarise, read back, but it is important that you check you have correctly listened and understood. The easiest way is to just ask Can I check I have understood Or So you would like me to . Or So just for the record, you want to

If you have not the other person will clarify or repeat and it more likely to be pleased that you checked than upset that you did not fully understand what was said the first time.


USEFUL LINKS AND REFERENCES

The basics of auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
https://www.inc.com/molly-reynolds/how-to-spot-visual-auditory-and-kinesthetic-learni.html

Checklists of auditory (I hear), visual (I see), kinaesthetic (I feel)
https://insideoutstyleblog.com/2015/07/communication-styles-are-you-visual-auditory-cognitive-or-kinasthetic.html

NLP Eye Cues
https://www.mindtools.co.th/personal-development/neuro-linguistic-programming/nlp-eye-accessing-cues/

Why Important Meetings Need Summary Notes
https://integratedwork.com/blog/why-important-meetings-need-summary-notes

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.

STAYING IN CONTROL OF COMMUNICATION

In this posting I will discuss how we communicate with ourselves (the thoughts in your head) and how that affects communication with others (the response that you get)

The meaning of your communication is the response you get. While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other persons interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive.

ELEMENTS OF COMMUNICATION

Most people understand that communication is more than just words. It is also what how and when you say something as well as the words. Context is really important.

A phrase like This is a really good idea can be made into a firm statement if said with conviction and written with an explanation mark. Or it could be made into an unsure question if said with hesitance and a written with a question mark. Indeed, by changing the emphasis and tone it could also be sarcastic or depending on the situation funny.

Dr. Albert Mehrabian is known for his breakdown of human communication into 7 percent spoken words, 38 percent tone of voice, and 55 percent body language. While some disagree on those numbers, all agree nonverbal communication dominates verbal

We know that tone and body language have a great part to play. Indeed, often we forget the exact wording of something that was said but take the meaning from the kind, angry, sad or affectionate way it was said.

WORDS, EXPERIENCE AND MEANING

If you speak French and I do not then I may struggle with my understanding because we do not have a common language. If you were brought up in a tribe with different culture, values, experience and behaviours I may with my understanding because we do not have a common experience.

What we understand of the world, language and meaning is significantly a function of our family, friends, culture, education and experience and the more different these are the greater the challenge of real communication, beyond words, but actual meaning and feeling.

I may know the words to be imprisoned but if I have never experienced that I am unlikely to really appreciate the meaning and feeling if someone says they feel o fear being imprisoned.

LADDERS OF INFERENCE

Chris Argyris was an American who did a study of how human beings design their actions in difficult situations. He suggested that human actions are designed to achieve intended consequences and governed by a set of environment variables. The ladder of inference is a way of describing how you move from a piece of data (a comment made to you, or something that you have observed to happen), through a series of mental processes to a conclusion.

You start by selecting from the data, translate it into your own terms, explain it to yourself, and then draw conclusions. Its dangerous, because it all happens extremely quickly in your head, and you are probably unaware that you are only selecting some of the data. Nobody else sees your thought processes, or knows what stages you have gone through to reach your conclusions. All that they see is the action you take as a result.

For example

1) Jane arranges to meet Mary for coffee at 10.30am.
2) Mary is late and does not explain why. In fact, she doesn't seem to have noticed that shes late at all.
3) Jane decides that Mary simply couldn't be bothered to turn up on time, and that Mary values her own time more highly than Jane's.
4) Jane concludes that its not worth bothering to meet up in future, because Mary obviously doesn't want to see her.
5) When Mary suggests meeting the next week, Jane makes an excuse to avoid it.

At the end of this, all Mary sees is that Jane does not want to meet up again. She may have no idea why. There could be any number of reasons why Mary was late, and hasn't explained: a doctors appointment, perhaps, or it could be as simple as her watch being slow, so that she has no idea that she is late. Meanwhile, Jane has decided the friendship is not worth pursuing.

We can see a sequence of steps which form the Ladder of Inference

1) Reality and facts. This level identifies what is directly perceptible. ...
2) Selecting facts. From this level, the facts are selected based on convictions and prior experiences. 3) Interpreting facts. ...
4) Assumptions. ...
5) Conclusions. ...
6) Beliefs. ...
7) Actions.

The challenge is that all these steps are based on thoughts in your head and not necessarily the full story. Perhaps before making a concussion or decision you might consider the following.

1) Why have I chosen this course of action? Are there other actions I should have considered?
2) What belief lead to that action? Was it well-founded?
3) Why did I draw that conclusion? Is the conclusion sound?
4) What am I assuming, and why? Are my assumptions valid?
5) What data have I chosen to use and why? Have I selected data rigorously?
6) What are the real facts that I should be using? Are there other facts I should consider?

THE ROLE WE TAKE WHEN WE COMMUNICATE

The role we take and the role we expect others to take also affects communication

Transactional analysis is based on the idea that one's behaviour and social relationships reflect an interchange between parental (critical and nurturing), adult (rational), and childlike (intuitive and dependent) aspects of personality established early in life.

If you take a parental style approach to communication it may have very different result on the outcome depending upon whether the other person makes a parental, adult or childlike response.

There is nothing wrong with being in a parent, adult or child role. All are valued. A teacher, driving instructor, boss or surgeon might take parent style role when talking with a student, learner, junior or patient. They may take an adult style when talking with a perceived equal or indeed a child style if reporting to their education board, governing body or similar.

The challenges erupt if there is a mis-match. For example, you take a Parent to Child type approach to talking with your teenager and they expect you to take an Adult to Adult type approach respecting them as an equal. Or perhaps you have been in teaching mode all day and come home to your partner to be told dont talk to be as if I am one of your pupils.

Eric Berne presented transactional analysis to the world as a phenomenological approach and noted that unhealthy childhood experiences can lead to these being pathologically fixated in the Child and Parent ego states, bringing discomfort to an individual and/or others in a variety of forms, including many types of mental illness.

Berne suggested that there are four life positions that a person can hold, and holding a particular psychological position has profound implications for how an individual operationalizes his or her life. The positions are stated as:

1) I'm OK and you are OK. This is the healthiest position about life and it means that I feel good about myself and that I feel good about others and their competence.
2) I'm OK and you are not OK. In this position I feel good about myself but I see others as damaged or less than and it is usually not healthy.
3) I'm not OK and you are OK. In this position the person sees him/herself as the weak partner in relationships as the others in life are definitely better than the self. The person who holds this position will unconsciously accept abuse as OK.
4) I'm not OK and you are not OK. This is the worst position to be in as it means that I believe that I am in a terrible state and the rest of the world is as bad. Consequently, there is no hope for any ultimate supports.

We can try and review, reconcile or resolve these unhealthy childhood experiences which are the cause of the problem (a role for psychologists or psychiatrists) or simply take a consciously lead different approach which overcomes the problem and provides a better communication.

HOW DO WE KNOW WHATS HAPPENING AND WHICH APPROACH TO TAKE?

We can react (instinctive and without thought) or respond (with thought and control).

There is a huge difference between reacting and responding. A reaction is typically quick, without much thought, tense and aggressive. A response is thought out, calm and non-threatening. A reaction typically provokes more reactions perpetuating a long line of hatefulness with nothing accomplished.

The brain is wired to react to any threat, it is an instinct we are born with, resulting in the fight, flight or freeze response. We may also add to the list of real or perceived threats by learning and experience. Some of this may be healthy (cautionary) or unhelpful (like phobias)

It is hard to overcome instinct but with practice and control you can choose instead to respond in a calculated and controlled way to get a better outcome. We might take a deep breath, or count to ten, or tap our ring finger or draw deeply on a cigar. Any one of these things may help us pause, recalibrate and respond.

That response is better if it is based on fact (what you can observe about the outside world) than feeling (what you are thinking based on your past experience, prejudice and fears). The power of mindfulness and meditation is where it helps let go of unhelpful self-talk (the voice in your head) and actually focus on the here-and-now (being present in the moment)

The best way to do this is to focus your attention on the here-and-now, be attentive and utilise listening skills to build rapport and understanding.

Step 1 Face the speaker and maintain eye contact
Step 2 Be attentive, but relaxed
Step 3 Keep an open mind
Step 4 Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying
Step 5 Don't interrupt and don't impose your solutions
Step 6 Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions
Step 7 Ask questions only to ensure understanding
Step 8 Try to feel what the speaker is feeling
Step 9 Give the speaker regular feedback
Step 10 Pay attention to what isn't said to nonverbal cues

Directing your attention means that instead of reacting to internal thoughts and feelings you are responding to external factors in a way that creates better actions and outcomes because they are calibrated to the here-and-now rather than the unresolved past or a feared theoretical future.

RAPPORT BUILDS BETTER RELATIONSHIPS AND BETTER OUTCOMES

Most of us know someone who wanted to be liked so he tried hard, but it didn't work. In trying to be liked, he appeared needy and conspicuous. You can't force rapport but the tips below will help.

1 Shift Your Mindset to an I Am Worthy One
2 Ask Some Variation of Tell Me About Yourself
3 Look for Indicators of Shared Humanity
4 Identify One Thing You Can Appreciate About the Person with Whom You Are Conversing
5 Inquire About Family, Friends and Pets Only If Your Speaking Partners Introduce These Areas First
6 Research about the Person
7 Listen to Understand
8 Be the Person Who Tells the Truth
9 Be Open


USEFUL LINKS AND REFERENCES

Presuppositions of NLP
https://anlp.org/knowledge-base/presuppositions-of-nlp

Chris Argyris (July 16, 1923 November 16, 2013)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Argyris

Ladders of Inference
https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/ladder-of-inference.html

Ladders of Inference Actions
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_91.htm

Fight, flight or freeze response
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze

Transactional analysis
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

Skills to build rapport and understanding
https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/#498909b38918

Rapport Tips
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-simple-steps-build-rapport-instantly.html

ABOUT THE BLOG

This is a series of coaching blogs that eventually will become a book. By blogging each item I hope to share each element in easy to read bite size chunks, maybe invite some people to subscribe to see the next posting and hopefully encourage some comments, feedback and suggestions which will improve the content for the blog and eventually the book. All comments and feedback are therefore welcome.

TOOLS FOR A NEW YOU

Do you want to take back control over your thoughts, feelings, actions, relationships and life?
In this posting I will discuss: Tools for a new you; What you do you want to be; Tools, training and techniques;Useful links and references .

TOOLS FOR A NEW YOU 


If you walk across a map you might put footprints on it but you will not get your feet wet. Whereas if you attempted to walk across the Atlantic you would probably drown. A picture of your best friend is simply a picture, it is not your best friend. A photograph of a cake my look delicious but you cannot eat it.

Despite this all these things are useful. The map may help you navigate to you your friends house, the picture may remind you of a special event and the photograph in the recipe book may show you what the birthday cake you want to make will look like. So, despite these things not being ‘real’ they are valuable as tools.

I want this to be a toolkit of maps, pictures and ideas that you can use to get you where you want to go, to experience the events you want to live and become the person you want to be.

WHAT YOU DO YOU WANT TO BE? 


You may be a collection of hands, feet, body and head with fingers and toes and hair in various amounts and styles. If you were to cut your hair you would still be you. If you were to lose your hand or foot it may be traumatic, but you would still be you. You are not the physical body.

You may be happy one day and sad on another. Something might get you really angry whereas something else may make you laugh. You are not Mr Angry or Mrs Sad, or Miss Happy or Baby Laughter. These are just feelings that come and go with circumstances.

So, what are the circumstances: is it because it is sunny or raining, frustrating or funny? Is it because of work, home, them or us? Or it is because of what we are thinking.

We can be thinking happy thoughts, which trigger happy feelings, which make us dance and sing in the rain. We could be thinking gloomy thoughts, which trigger sadness or frustration, which make us sulky or sullen even on a beautiful day.

But we can also choose our thoughts: we can think about the past or the future; we can think about people, places or ideas. If we can direct our thoughts like a film director can direct an actor we can make the scene happy or sad, frightening or funny.

You are not just physical, you can change physical elements and still be you.
You are not a feeling, you can manage emotions.
You are not a thought, you can direct them.

With attention and focus we can control thinking, feeling, behaviour and the impact these have on ourselves, other people and circumstances. Indeed, with some learned techniques of self-control and some useful maps, pictures and ideas you can transform your world and possibly other people’s too.

If you are wondering “So what am I if I am not physical, emotional, thoughts?” that is a good question which is beyond this book but certainly worthy of your thinking. Indeed, pursuing the answer to that may be as challenging as walking across the ocean.

In the meantime, you can become the screen writer and movie director for your own life and you can tell the actor (which is you) how to think, feel, behave and what to do and react for each and every scene of your life. You can make this movie (your life) an action drama, a tragedy or a comedy or something else.

I simply want to give you the tools, training and techniques to be a great screen writer and movie director for your own life. What you do with those skills is up to you.

Oh and if you find yourself walking across the ocean get in touch, I’d love to know how you do that.

TOOLS, TRAINING AND TECHNIQUES 


So, what are the tools, training and techniques? I will draw upon a variety of sources from neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) to models in business and leadership.

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is a psychological approach that involves analyzing strategies used by successful individuals and applying them to reach a personal goal. It relates thoughts, language, and patterns of behavior learned through experience to specific outcomes. 

These are the presuppositions of NLP

1) The map is not the territory. (People respond to their ‘map’ of reality, not to reality itself. How people make sense of the world around them is through their senses and from their own personal experience; this means that each individual’s perception of an event is different).

2) Have respect for the other person’s model of the world. (We are all unique and experience the world in different ways. Everyone is individual and has their own special way of being).

3) Mind and body form a linked system. (Your mental attitude affects your body and your health and, in turn, how you behave).

4) If what you are doing isn’t working, do something else. (Flexibility is the key to success).

5) Choice is better than no choice. (Having options can provide more opportunities for achieving results).

6) We are always communicating. (Even when we remain silent, we are communicating. Non-verbal communication can account for a large proportion of a message).

7) The meaning of your communication is the response you get. (While your intention may be clear to you, it is the other person’s interpretation and response that reflects your effectiveness. NLP teaches you the skills and flexibility to ensure that the message you send equals the message they receive).

8) There is no failure, only feedback. (What seemed like failure can be thought of as success that just stopped too soon. With this understanding, we can stop blaming ourselves and others, find solutions and improve the quality of what we do).

9) Behind every behaviour there is a positive intention. (When we understand that other people have some positive intention in what they say and do (however annoying and negative it may seem to us), it can be easier to stop getting angry and start to move forward).

10) Anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down into small enough steps. (Achievement becomes easier if activities are manageable; NLP can help you learn how to analyse what needs to be done and find ways to be both efficient and effective).

Business and Leadership provides a rich set of models, guides and checklists that can help mission, vision, values, aims, goals and tasks. Indeed there is obvious overlap between tasks, goals and strategy (from business) and anything can be accomplished if the task is broken down into small enough steps (for NLP)

USEFUL LINKS AND REFERENCES 


Presuppositions of NLP
https://anlp.org/knowledge-base/presuppositions-of-nlp